The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!

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GTFC197

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #555 on: June 17, 2010, 12:44 »
Paddy and Mick are racing up a hill,

"If I get there first I'm gonna write my name at the top" says Paddy.

Mick says,

"If I get there first, I'm gonna rub it out" :lol:

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GTFC197

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #556 on: June 17, 2010, 12:55 »
3 women, 1 engaged, 1 married & 1 a mistress decided to treat their men by wearing black leather underwear, black leather boots and a black leather face mask.

They met up the next day to compare the results.

The engaged woman said that her man leapt on her as soon as he walked through the front door and they had the most passionate night ever.

The mistress said the same.

The married woman sighs,

My husband walked in the door, took one look at me and said,


"What's for tea, Batman". :lol:

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GTFC197

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #557 on: June 17, 2010, 12:59 »
I said to my wife last night,

"right, my little cherub, upstairs now"

She looked at me and said,

"ooh,kinky"

I said

"No seriously, the footies coming on, get out my way".


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GTFC197

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #558 on: June 17, 2010, 13:01 »
Murphy asks Paddy,


"What's your pet hate?"



Paddy thinks for a minute and says,


"I think it's when the vet shoves the thermometer up his behind".

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wicked

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #559 on: June 18, 2010, 11:28 »
Daughter listening to a cd in the car, that keeps jumping...

'Mum, it's not fair... my cd has hiccups!'

My thought process is NOT illogical...It's just a form of intellect so amazing it has yet to be appreciated by mainstream society ;)

Save the earth.....It's the only planet with chocolate ;-)

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Paul Plots

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #560 on: June 18, 2010, 16:43 »
Murphy asks Paddy,


"What's your pet hate?"



Paddy thinks for a minute and says,


"I think it's when the vet shoves the thermometer up his behind".

That took me far too many seconds to get  ::)  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Never keep your wish-bone where your back-bone ought to be.

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Glosterboy

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #561 on: June 18, 2010, 19:17 »
Paddy and Murphy, two friends from Leading Tickles, Newfoundland, were talking one afternoon when Paddy tells Murphy,  "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Molly got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas and Molly got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darn me, if Molly didn't get pregnant again." Murphy asks Paddy, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Paddy says, "This year I'm taking Molly with me."

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GTFC197

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #562 on: June 19, 2010, 09:10 »
Watching the world cup is alot like marriage,,,

You're supposed to enjoy it, but there's a constant droning in the background!!!!! :lol:

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SteveHorsfall

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #563 on: June 19, 2010, 09:55 »
An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman walk into a pub.  The barman says "What is this - some sort of joke?"

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Jamie Butterworth

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #564 on: June 19, 2010, 16:11 »
 The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning,
"It's so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Jamal Omboto aged 6.
If you want to be happy for a short time - get drunk.

If you want to be happy for a long time - fall in love.

If you want to be happy forever - take up gardening!

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Aunt Sally

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #565 on: June 19, 2010, 18:11 »
Oh how cruel Jamie  :lol: :lol: :lol:

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mobilekat

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #566 on: June 19, 2010, 23:14 »
Good one Jamie!!
Made me laugh (unlike the match that made us groan!
Very often quite lost- would be more lost if I could work out where I was!- But always find my way home.....

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John

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #567 on: June 20, 2010, 00:18 »
That's about the best joke on here!  :D :D :D
Check out our books - ideal presents

John and Val Harrison's Books
 

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agingchick

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #568 on: June 21, 2010, 14:38 »
HOW TO TREAT YOUR AGING WIFE
 
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Mike.  Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Kathy.
 
When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Kathy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the pension benefits that we needed.


Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.  I don't yell at her.   Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me up when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the golf club, so I 'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.


She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
 
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.  For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.  I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
 
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene.  I'm a fair man.  I tell her to get herself a big, cold glass of freshly squeezed orange juice and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
 
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Kathy.  I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.   Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
 
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
 
Signed, Mike
 
 
        Editor's note:
Mike died suddenly on June 13 of a perforated rectum and distended colon.  The police report says he was found with an extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip handle showing, and a sledge hammer lying nearby.
His wife Kathy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Mike, without looking, somehow accidentally sat down on his golf club.
I use to be indecisive now I'm not so sure

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John

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #569 on: June 21, 2010, 15:24 »
Poor Mike - he was such a reasonable chap  :D :D :D



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