[arugula]

  I actually know a natural blonde who had dyed her hair dark so that she's not the butt of blonds jokes any more!  She isn't the brightest cookie though.... 

[IlOvEtHeGaRdEnZ]

a mans walking his dog between two hurses in a funeral prosesion with a long single line of men following.
a jogger asks the man ... 'i know this is a bad time and im sorry for your loss but ive never seen sun an unusual funeral... whos in the first coffin?'
The dog walker replies ' The first one is my wife '
Jogger : 'oh im sorry how did she die?'
Dog walker: 'well, my dog attacked and killed her'
Jogger: 'oh... sorry, who's in the second coffin?'
Dog walker: 'My mother-in-law, she was trying to help my wife when the dog killed her too...'
After a long moment of silence the jogger asks in excitement 'Can i borrow your dog  ?'.
Dog walker: 'Join the queue'...

[Bizzi Lizzi]

Excellent!

[Fisherman]

GUTS OR Balls ...

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you off flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the a*** and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions...

...Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both result ultimately in death.

[Aunt Sally]

Keep'em child friendly please folks 

[elibump]

As an antidote to all the blonde jokes (from a blonde)

How do you make a man's eyes light up 


Shine a torch in his ear

If that wasn't suitable Aunti, feel free to strike it from the record.

Eli xx

[Aunt Sally]

That is funny and sometimes so true Eli

[arugula]

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool.  He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,
So he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..

"Repaint!  Repaint!  And thin no more!"
 

[Snap Dragon]

groan 

[horsepooisgood]

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free, having fun and nibbling at the lush grass.
Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good, unlike his tasteless food he grew up with. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We make love to them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning having great fun until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a fag."

Sorry Aunty

[arugula]

groan 

 

[hamstergbert]

When the border between Canada and the United States was being finalised, a joint team of Yanqui and Canuck fencing contractors set off along the 49th parallel hammering in fence posts and stringing a bit of wire as they went.   After six weeks they arrived  at a house that was slap-bang on the dividing line, absolutely exactly 50% each side.

The team had a discussion for a while and decided that in the interests of commonsense the border should take a tiny loop of a few yards, either to the north, making the house American, or to the south making it Canadian.  They were about to toss a coin but realised that perhaps the fairest thing to do would be to give the occupant of the house the choice and so they knocked on the door in search of the decision that would dictate the local boreder deviation from that day on.

The door opened and the occupant was revealed to be a sweet blonde who confirmed that yes, she was indeed the householder.   When asked whether she wanted the border to loop to the north and put her into America, or to the south and put her into Canada she replied firmly and without hesitation that the border should loop north, making her property definitely part of America.

THe team shrugged and went to get the fencing stuff, but one of them paused and asked her why she didn't even need to think about the decision.   "Easy", she replied.  "I would never make it through those freezing Canadian winters!"

[Paul Plots]

No more blonde jokes...... after this one.... (shame!  )

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.' 
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. 
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

[GTFC197]

Brilliant, 

[GTFC197]

A little girl went into a pet shop and asked,

"Excuthe me, do you haf any widdle wabbits?"

The shop keepers heart melted, he got down on his knees so he was at her level and said,

"Do you want widdle white wabbit,

or a thoft fwuffy bwack wabbit,

or maybe one like that widdle bwown one over there?"


The little girl blushed, rocked on her heels, put her hands on her knees, leaned forward
and whispered,

" I don't wealy fink my pyfon cares, do woo?"



Hope you like it, it took ages to type it.