[mumofstig]

  Tis all true 

[rogerbodger]

There was an accident at work last week, a man fell into an upholstery machine .... he's fully recovered now.

[hamstergbert]

round our way, they sectioned a chap who was convinced he ws a daffodil bulb.
Reckon he'll be out in the spring.

Another patient thought he was a pair of curtains.
He was told to pull himself together.

One time-waster falsely insisted he was becoming invisible
But we saw through him straight away.

A chap down the road was also sectioned as he thought he had turned into a chicken.
He'd have been sectioned earlier but we needed the eggs.

My neighbour's wife forced him to get 'WELCOME' tattooed on his chest and he's too soft to resist.
Reckon she treats him like a doormat.

My late mum always claimed that the way to a man's heart was through his stomach.
Which may be why the Royal College of Surgeons struck her off.

A distinguished looking chap in uniform said he was a naval surgeon.
Reckon that is specialisation gone mad.

Our local matriarch is a real tough old bird.
Rumur has it she was a real bad egg in her youth.

[Blackpool rocket]

Sorry to dig up an old joke, but.......




My job as an archaeologist is in ruins

Br

[Goosegirl]

Sorry to dig up an old joke, but.......
My job as an archaeologist is in ruins

Br

Here comes another old one: I thought I was a schizophrenic but now I'm in two minds about it. (Mods - no disrespect meant).

[Aunt Sally]

I expect only those with such a serious mental illness (or their relatives ) will take offence, GG.

[dugless]

In the same vein, I used to be indecisive now I am not so sure

[hamstergbert]

I don't care if it annoys you, the fact is I am a Lego set.
Want to make something of it?

Failed at particle physics as it appears 'quark' is not in fact the noise made by a posh duck.

Don't remember Pavlov's face. but the name certainoly rings a bell.

A research lab spokesman said that there will be an announcement about time travel last March.

Two hydrogen atoms are talking. One says, ‘I think I’ve lost an electron.’ The other asks, ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, “Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?” I said, “All right, but we won’t get much done.”

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Optical doppler is easy to demonstrate.  The lights of cars approaching appear white while those going away appear red.

[Tenhens]

A couple were celebrating their 40 th wedding anniversary at a restaurant. During the meal a fairy appeared, hovering over the table.  "Hello, I'm here to grant you one wish each on this special occasion"  "Please take your time"   The wife has a think , and decides.   " I think I know what I would like, before we get much older, we are both in our 60s. I would like a round the World cruise and see family and friends that live overseas"

"Very good"  the fairy replies, I will grant you your wish.

Turning to the husband, " What wish would you like me to grant you?"
The husband thinks for a moment.  "Sorry Dear, but I would like a wife who's 30 years younger than I "

The wife is not too impressed  by her husband's request, but the fairy realises this and reassures her. "Do not worry, my dear"   Turning back to the husband   " Are you quite sure of your request? "

He nods his agreement.  " Very well" the fairy answers

She waves her wand and the husband is enveloped in a cloud of mist, it clears to reveal a frail old  man in his 90s.

" What has happened?, he whimpers, "she hasn't changed!"

" I have granted your wish, your wife is thirty years younger than you!"

[dugless]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa… 

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

 

Red meat is awful.  Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.  Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

 

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.  However, there is one thing that’s the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.  Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

 

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”

[Tenhens]

I wonder if that gag has been used at a Wedding Reception, after cutting the cake.

 

[devonbarmygardener]

A couple were celebrating their 40 th wedding anniversary at a restaurant. During the meal a fairy appeared, hovering over the table.  "Hello, I'm here to grant you one wish each on this special occasion"  "Please take your time"   The wife has a think , and decides.   " I think I know what I would like, before we get much older, we are both in our 60s. I would like a round the World cruise and see family and friends that live overseas"

"Very good"  the fairy replies, I will grant you your wish.

Turning to the husband, " What wish would you like me to grant you?"
The husband thinks for a moment.  "Sorry Dear, but I would like a wife who's 30 years younger than I "

The wife is not too impressed  by her husband's request, but the fairy realises this and reassures her. "Do not worry, my dear"   Turning back to the husband   " Are you quite sure of your request? "

He nods his agreement.  " Very well" the fairy answers

She waves her wand and the husband is enveloped in a cloud of mist, it clears to reveal a frail old  man in his 90s.

" What has happened?, he whimpers, "she hasn't changed!"

" I have granted your wish, your wife is thirty years younger than you!"

LOL!!

[dugless]

English Around the World . . . . . 

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

In a Bangkok temple :
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant :
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom :
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant :
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery :
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations :
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant :
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

Hotel , Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery :
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

A laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME
 
 

[Chrysalis]

 

[oldgrunge]

😂😂😂