[DD.]

This is no slight against Aunty, as she is a 300 year old wooden doll and not subject to the above.

[PennyS]

Yes but she's a force to be reckoned with and will defend the womenfolk of this board 

[GTFC197]

A van driver had broken down at the side of the road, Paddy was driving past and decided to stop and see if he could help.

The van driver said to Paddy,

"I have got 4 monkeys in the backand I was taking them to the zoo, if I give you £300, will you take them for me, please"

Paddy agreed and off he went with the monkeys in the back of his car.

About 2 hours later while still waiting for the AA, the van driver saw Paddy driving in the opposite direction to the zoo with the monkeys still in his car.

Horrified, he shouted over to Paddy,

"I gave you £300 to take the monkeys to the zoo for me, but you still have them in the car"

"It's ok" shouted Paddy

" I took them to the zoo as you asked me too, but I still have some of the money left that you gave me, so now I'm taking them to the pictures"

[GTFC197]

I was so drunk last night, totally hammered, when I got to the bottom of the stairs I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear.

I crept up the stairs very quietly, so as not to wake the wife.

It was only when I got to the top  of the stairs I realised I was on the bus.

[davethespread]

i should have never entered that 'massive butterfly' competition.

me and my big moth.

[Jemimapuddleduck]

 Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

 

[plot6b]

i should have never entered that 'massive butterfly' competition.

me and my big moth.

Dave they get worse

[dugless]

For once I had some time on my hands, I want to thank you all  for a pleasant hour looking at all your funnies.

My father took me swimming.

It was not to difficult.

But Getting out of the sack was tricky

[hamstergbert]

In the strong winds we had in May, a figure came zooming out of  the low clouds to land heavily in my garden tangled in lines and wrapped up in billowing fabric.

"More nerve than I have!" I said, "Paragliding in this wind!"

"It's not a paraglider!" he replied in a shaky voice.  "Supposed to be a tent!"

[davethespread]

my mate just got himself a new polish girlfriend,it took her five days to hoover the house.turns out she's a slovak.

[davethespread]

George w bush has compared president obama to jesus,when george was in office we would have done anythinbg for oil,even go to war.
president obama gets into office and millions of gallons wash up on his doorstep

[dugless]

You have two choices in life:

You can stay single and be miserable

Or get married and wish you were dead.

__________

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another

'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'

'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'

__________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:

'Husband Wanted'.

Next day she received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing:

'You can have mine.'

__________

When a woman steals your husband

There is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

__________

 

A woman is incomplete until she is married.

Then she is finished.

__________

A young son asked,

'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa

A man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'

Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

__________

Then there was a woman, who said,

'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married

And by then, it was too late.'

__________

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

 

__________

If you want your spouse to listen and

Pay strict attention to every word you say...

Talk in your sleep.

__________

Just think, if it weren't for marriage

Men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

__________

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'

Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

__________

'A Woman's Prayer:

Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man,

To Love and to forgive him , and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'

 

__________

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up.
 

[agingchick]

  A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in  the empty seat next to him.

 "No," he says. "The seat is empty."

 "This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would  have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting  event, and not use it?"

 "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come  with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we  haven't been to together since we got married.

 "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find  someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the  seat?"

 The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral..."

 Feel it, it is here!!!!

[davethespread]

i never realised Heather Mills name in Korean is TAI WAN SHU

[Paul Plots]

i never realised Heather Mills name in Korean is TAI WAN SHU

Just as well she's not a twin = A pair of shu s