[davethespread]

two bits of tarmac in a pub talking at the bar,one says to the other do you no what im the hardest bit of tarmac around m25 me mate,1 million cars an hour run over my back,no they dont come much tougher than me.
the other one says im m1 tarmac me although i dont like to brag, 2 million cars an hour over me.
with that the m25 tarmac dives under a table as a red piece of tarmac comes in to get some change from the barman, when he leaves,the tarmac under the table says,has he gone yet,so the m1 tarmac says you really are tough are'nt you as soon as that red tarmac came in you hid under the table.
so the m25 tarmac says yeah but thats red tarmac,you dont mess with him,hes a cyclepath.

[DavidT]

Dave, you are getting worse.

[DavidT]

I was going to write about the name Simon Cowells parents should have given him had they had a sense of humour, but I decided to keep it clean.

[mumofstig]

wise decision DavidT, beware Aunty's BRB 

[Aunt Sally]

I've already had to edit a few jokes and delete some 

If this joke thread causes me too much work I'll remove it 

You have been warned...  MwaaaaHaaaaaHaaaaa 

[DavidT]

Isn`t it about time you posted  a funny Sally? May I call you Sally, Sally? 

[Ice]

Isn`t it about time you posted  a funny Sally? May I call you Sally, Sally?  

Quick everyone get behind the sofa.  When Aunty sees this it won't be a pretty sight.  

[DavidT]

I`m not afraid. I see you`ve been in South Wales recently Ice.

[Ice]

I`m not afraid. I see you`ve been in South Wales recently Ice.

Oh no, no no.   I don't have a passport.

[Snap Dragon]

There goes a very brave man!!!!!

I hope it's not too cold on the step for you tonight Dave 

[DavidT]

I`m not afraid, I`ll post proof tomorrow.

[agingchick]

Hope this doesn't put me on the naughty step
A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me.. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind, but, if you'll drop it on the counter,  I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb test line.  It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for £44."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.  "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally *. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had *.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50  please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44? How did you get to £58.50?"

He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50"

[richyrich7]

  that's a cracker

[JayG]

I've already had to edit a few jokes and delete some 

If this joke thread causes me too much work I'll remove it 

You have been warned...  MwaaaaHaaaaaHaaaaa 

It is alas very long since I passed forty,
An excuse, I hope, for my jokes being so norty.
Aunt Sally's not doolally, so please give her credit:
It's part of her job, such rudeness to edit.

Delete your expletives, keep your privates well hidden.
(We all must remember to do as we're bidden.)
As to what Sal's deleted, I really can't say,
(Have trouble recalling beyond yesterday!)

[Aunt Sally]

Isn`t it about time you posted  a funny Sally? May I call you Sally, Sally? 

You may call me Aunt Sally or Aunty 

Aunty is never funny