The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!

  • 4196 Replies
  • 845442 Views
*

DanielCoffey

  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Location: South Ayrshire, UK
  • 636
Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #4005 on: January 27, 2021, 22:12 »
Last night I was walking home and decided to take a shortcut past the cemetery. Three girls walked up to me and explained that they were really scared to walk past the cemetery at night so I agreed to let them walk along with me.

I told them... "I understand. I used to be freaked out too when I was still alive."

I have never seen anyone run that fast!

*

Growster...

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Location: Hawkhurst, Kent
  • 13162
Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #4006 on: January 28, 2021, 05:13 »
I saw a hitchhiker thumbing a lift the other day, so stopped after giving him the once-over at a safe distance - he seemed alright.

The chap got in and we set off.

After a few minutes, he said, "Good of you to give me a lift, but how do you know I'm not a serial killer"?

I gave him a sideways glance, and said, "The statistical chances of there being two serial killers in the same car are just not worth calculating"!

He hopped out at the next traffic lights...

*

John

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Location: Clogwyn Melyn, Gwynedd
  • 17113
    • Low Cost Living
Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #4007 on: February 05, 2021, 10:45 »
I never thought when I was a young man I'd see lines of pensioners queuing in the street to get a fix!
Sorry, listening to Lou Reed sparked that one!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kla_Jd7EyT4 
Check out our books - ideal presents

John and Val Harrison's Books
 

*

Welsh Merf

  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Location: New Romney, Kent
  • 533
Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #4008 on: February 06, 2021, 14:36 »
My darling wife says I only have two faults. One is that I never listen to her, and the other is something else she was wittering on about.

*

Welsh Merf

  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Location: New Romney, Kent
  • 533
Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #4009 on: February 07, 2021, 13:37 »
Paddy gets a job on a building site, and the boss tells him he must be there at 8am to start work, and not leave any earlier 5pm, or he will be sacked instantly. Paddy agrees, and promises to behave himself.

At midday on the Monday the boss leaves the site, and Paddy's colleagues pack up to go home, telling Paddy that the boss won't be back again that day, so he might as well go home. However, Paddy keeps his promise and stays there until 5pm, and is the only person to stay.

Exactly the same happens Tuesday and Wednesday, but when midday on Thursday arrives, Paddy caves in to peer pressure and leaves the site with the rest of them just after 12pm. However, when he gets home he hears some noises coming from upstairs, and quietly creeps up to see what's going on, whereupon he discovers the boss in bed with Mrs Paddy. Surprised and shocked, he turns around and goes back to the building site.

The following day, the boss goes off site again, and Paddy's mates tell him it's time to go home. Paddy replies, 'Not a chance! I nearly got caught yesterday!'

*

wighty

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Location: Isle of Wight
  • 5151
Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #4010 on: February 07, 2021, 16:37 »
I was discussing with my daughter The Masked Singer and who could be who.  According to my four year old grandson Badger is Postman Pat.  Bless him for trying to join in with an adult conversation.  :D  It made my daughter and I laugh.

*

Growster...

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Location: Hawkhurst, Kent
  • 13162
Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #4011 on: February 11, 2021, 05:03 »
A couple were visiting Blackpool when they noticed a tent with a sign, “Big Chief Howling Wolf – He Remembers Everything”.

The husband decided to give it a go so he paid his money and asked his question, “Who won the FA cup final in 1915?” and the Chief replied straightaway, “Sheffield United!”

Ten years later the couple were making a return visit to the town and were surprised to see that the tent was still there. The husband again decided to test the Chief’s memory, and, as the BBC keeps telling us, being some time ago, his language was what ‘we’ now consider unacceptable.

As he entered the tent he said, “How!” And the Chief, without looking up said, “Three nil, Kitchen scoring the final goal.”

h/t JimS - elsewhere.

*

Subversive_plot

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Location: Athens, Georgia, USA
  • 2393
Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #4012 on: February 12, 2021, 22:39 »
"Doctor, I think I'm going deaf"
Doctor said, "Describe the symptoms."

- "Well, Homer is bald, Marge has blue hair..."
"Somewhere between right and wrong, there is a garden. I will meet you there."~ Rumi

*

JayG

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Location: South West Sheffield
  • 16722
Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #4013 on: February 24, 2021, 13:53 »
So, I went to this Eskimo restaurant.

I asked to see the menu.

The waiter said "we don't have a lot of options so I'll just call them out to you."

"We have Whale meat steaks, we have Whale meat curry, we have Whale meat stir-fry and of course we have the Vera Lynn."

I said "what's the Vera Lynn?"

He said "Whale meat again."
Sow your seeds, plant your plants. What's the difference? A couple of weeks or more when answering possible queries!

One of the best things about being an orang-utan is the fact that you don't lose your good looks as you get older

*

mumofstig

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Location: Kent
  • 57878
Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #4014 on: February 24, 2021, 14:12 »
 ::)  :nowink:

*

John

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Location: Clogwyn Melyn, Gwynedd
  • 17113
    • Low Cost Living
Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #4015 on: February 24, 2021, 14:30 »
Groan!!!  :D :D :D

*

Growster...

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Location: Hawkhurst, Kent
  • 13162
Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #4016 on: February 25, 2021, 07:06 »
This morning my dog looked at me and then said; ''Tell me a joke!''

I replied; ''No, you wouldn't understand the concept of human humour.''

''Oh yeah,'' he whinged. ''Because humans are sooo clever and I'm just a stupid dog.''

''Okay, okay,'' I said. ''Knock knock...''

Then he ran off shouting; ''It's the door! it's the front door! Quick, quick, there's somebody at the front door''.
« Last Edit: February 25, 2021, 07:07 by Growster... »

*

JayG

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Location: South West Sheffield
  • 16722
Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #4017 on: February 25, 2021, 18:02 »
Apparently the three things people find most difficult to say are:

1) Sorry.

2) I was wrong and you were right.

3) Worcestershire sauce.

(Would be so much easier if it was called Worcester sauce but it isn't - yes, I checked the label!  :lol:)

*

DanielCoffey

  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Location: South Ayrshire, UK
  • 636
Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #4018 on: February 26, 2021, 13:41 »
Ah, I see the label was printed in Frome, then?

I reckon Frome is the only place in the UK to have a sign "Welcome to Frome. Say it right or we aren't letting you in!"

*

Blackpool rocket

  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Location: North East Hampshire
  • 522
Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #4019 on: February 26, 2021, 15:35 »
Unfortunately, it seems I've caught covid from my cat.

Don't ask meow.



xx
give us our daily bread

Started by rowlandwells on Chatting on the Plot

18 Replies
1707 Views
Last post March 13, 2022, 09:54
by lettice
xx
laugh or cry .... you decide.

Started by Lardman on Chatting on the Plot

45 Replies
8264 Views
Last post January 16, 2019, 13:26
by Goosegirl
xx
Deliveries? You're having a laugh!

Started by Goosegirl on Chatting on the Plot

11 Replies
3815 Views
Last post December 31, 2017, 19:23
by Christine
xx
A funny mis-read.

Started by Goosegirl on Chatting on the Plot

1 Replies
223 Views
Last post November 03, 2023, 17:44
by wighty
 

Page created in 0.157 seconds with 56 queries.

Powered by SMFPacks Social Login Mod
Powered by SMFPacks SEO Pro Mod |