[sclarke624]

   

1. Families are like fudge. . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

   

2. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

   

3. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber not the toy.

   
Growing Old

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

   
The four stages of life:

1.   You believe in Santa Claus.
2.   You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3.   You are Santa Claus.
4.   You look like Santa Claus.

[sclarke624]

Mind Games Dogs Play With Humans  

1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans' bedtime.

2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. When the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to pee, sniff around the entire garden as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot on which to poop. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.

7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep.

[hamstergbert]

11.   Never, ever lick the, er, 'tackle' until the vicar calls round and is part way through eating a slice of cake.

12.  Late at night, stand rigidly in front of the kitchen door, ears back, tail down, hackles up and growling loudly, occasional barking mixed into the growling until  your male pet human wraps his coat round his PJs (even more fun if doesn't wear PJs to bed), picks up the poker and nervously checks the garden for intruders until the female pet human accepts there is nobody there.  When they are all settled down, leave them for an hour then DO IT ALL AGAIN - but louder and with more barking.  Great fun.

13.  Never bury stuff in newly dug-over and empty ground.  It is much more secure to hide your bones etc under growing vegetables where nobody will notice your excavations..

[agingchick]

The fire engine
 A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station
when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with
little ladders hung on the side and garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
 The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a Dog and a cat.
 The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look, 'that's a lovely Fire engine,' he says admiringly.
 'Thanks,' says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied
one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.
 'Little colleague,' says the fire fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could
 probably go a lot faster.  The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the
dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says.........
 "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't
 have a siren, Would I?"

[ohsocute]

3 blonde essex girls walking out when they wander across some tracks,
1st one says "these are deer tracks",
2nd one says "No, these are badger tracks"
3rd one says," No, these are fox tracks".
Sadly, while they were arguing, they were run over by the train.

[ohsocute]

Paddy stumbles across a mass baptism at a river.
He walks into the river and stands next to the preacher.
"Are you ready to find Jesus my son?"
Paddy says "I am sir"
Preacher puts him under the water, then says
"have you found Jesus?"
"No sir"
He puts him under for longer
"Have you found Jesus?"
"No sir"
He puts him under for 2 minutes
"Have you found Jesus?"
Paddy comes up gasping for breath and says
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[ohsocute]

Paddy speaks frantically into the phone,
"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only 2 mins apart"
"Is this her first child?" asks the doctor.
"NO", Paddy shouts,
this is her husband"

[ohsocute]

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says,
"Two Brazillian men die in a skydiving accident"
The blonde starts sobbing,
"That's horrible!!, So many men dying that way!"

Confused, the husband says,
"Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved"

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says,
"how many is a Brazillion, anyway"

[ohsocute]

a look-a-like competition was held in China today,

Everyone won!!!

[ohsocute]

Englishman, Scotsman & Irishman all discussing families.

Englishman says,

"My son was born on St Georges Day, so we called him George"

Scotsman says

"What a coincidence, our son was born on St Andrews Day, so we called him Andrew"

Irishman says

"This is unbelievable, can't wait to tell our Pancake"

[ohsocute]

A woman on her deathbed called her husband & asked him to open a box from under the bed.
Inside he found 3 eggs and £7000 in cash.

"what are the eggs for" he asks.

She replied,

"Everytime our lovemaking was hopeless, I put an egg in the box"

"Not bad", says the husband,
"3 eggs in 35years, and the cash?" he asks,

"Everytime I got a dozen, I sold them",  she replied.

[ohsocute]

Paddy doing a crossword asks Murphy,

"How do you spell paint?"

Murphy replies

"What colour?"

[ohsocute]

Paddy, still doing his crossword asks Murphy,

"How do you spell farm?"

Murphy thought for a moment and replied,

"I think it's E  I   E  I   O".

[ohsocute]

If you think life is bad, how would you like to be an egg.

You only get laid once,

you only get smashed once,

it takes 4 mins to get hard, but only 2 mins to get soft.

you have to share your box with 5 other guys,

after 3 mins in the hot tub you get your head smashed in,

then you get poked by a load of soldiers.

So cheer up, life ain't that bad is it.

[Ice]

I would just like to remind everyone that we have some very young members on the forum.  Please only post jokes that you wouldn't mind your 13 year old daughter or elderly mother hearing.  Anything else is not acceptable.