[Thrift]

 

[Y.E.A.H]

What birds spend all their time on their knees ?

Birds of prey

[Y.E.A.H]

A pet store had a parrot they were selling as a "talking bird." A customer walked in and asked, "What does this parrot say?" The store owner replied, "Light a match under the parrot's left foot and see for yourself." The customer did and the parrot started singing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way..."
"Now try the right foot," said the owner. The customer moved the match under the parrot's right foot and the parrot started singing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas..." "That's neat," the customer said. "But what if I hold the match BETWEEN the parrot's feet?" "I don't know," said the owner. "Try it." So the customer lit another match and held it between the parrot's feet. The parrot hesitated, then started singing, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...

hope i'm not going too far ?  

[Oliveview]

A man had a pet snail that he used to enter into snail races.  The snail was a champion prize winner but over the years the snail had grownbigger and therefor slower.  The man decided that the snail needed streemlining, so he did a make-over on the snail (called Henry).
The man decided Henry needed his shell removing so there was no extra weight to carry for the race.  Once Henry was de-shelled the man  asked him how he felt.  Henry replied   
' a little sluggish'
 
Pamela

[Springlands]

A pet store had a parrot they were selling as a "talking bird." A customer walked in and asked, "What does this parrot say?" The store owner replied, "Light a match under the parrot's left foot and see for yourself." The customer did and the parrot started singing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way..."
"Now try the right foot," said the owner. The customer moved the match under the parrot's right foot and the parrot started singing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas..." "That's neat," the customer said. "But what if I hold the match BETWEEN the parrot's feet?" "I don't know," said the owner. "Try it." So the customer lit another match and held it between the parrot's feet. The parrot hesitated, then started singing, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...

hope i'm not going too far ?  

Had a good old belly laugh at that one  (hopefully Aunty will not catch up with you)

[Y.E.A.H]

Had a good old belly laugh at that one  (hopefully Aunty will not catch up with you)

i'm glad you liked it  i'll try to behave myself now 

[Y.E.A.H]

A piece of yarn walks into a bar and orders a beer, but the bartender snarls, "We don't serve your kind here!". The yarn is forced to leave.

While sitting on the curb feeling sorry for himself, the yarn is suddenly hit with a brilliant idea. Working quickly, he ties himself into a knot and unravels his ends. Taking a deep breath, the yarn marches back into the bar and orders a beer.

"Hey!" says the bartender. "Ain't you that piece of yarn I just threw outta here?"

"Nope," replies the yarn, "I'm a frayed knot." 

[Y.E.A.H]

Three old buddies are out for a walk.

Old guy 1 says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Old guy 2 says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Old guy 3 says, "So am I. Let's go get milk shake."

[elibump]

Reminds me of the Morcambe & Wise joke:

Two old men sitting on the sand one says to the other "Nice out isnt it?"  The other replies "Oh, in that case I think I'll get mine out later then".

If you think this needs removing Auntie, I'll perfectly understand.

Eli xx

[Aunt Sally]

Morcambe and Wise did it with a little more decorum Eli 

Ernie always prevented Eric from delivering the punch line and left it to the audience's imagination - seems there's nothing wrong with your imagination. 

[Springlands]

I really going to have to stop reading these - sides are sore from laughing. 

[elibump]

AS -  :unsure:Isn't decorum that one with Frankie Howard in it?

[GTFC197]

Just found out that mother-in-law has got dementia,
bit upsetting,

 but I suppose I should be grateful for the £50 I get for my birthday every week.

[GTFC197]

40 years of marriage..

 A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. 

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said,

'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered,

'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband


The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.


The husband thought for a moment:

 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.


The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.


The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful b......... should remember fairies are female.....

        SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH . AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN
        HANDLE IT!

[GTFC197]

Never try and outwit your dad.


A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his
father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son:


'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your bible a little, and get your
hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said,

'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible,  but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said,

'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ... and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

You are going to love the Dad's reply:




 To this his father replied,




'Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?'