[wildseed]

2 old dears are waiting in the old folks home for the grim reaper to call their numbers.  They have known each other for over fifty years. Both have helped each other bury their husbands.    Both have watched each others children grow up.
Agnes " How are you today dear?"
Betty " I am fine my dear. Sorry I have forgotten your name? "
Agnes " how soon do you need to know"

Mmmmmmm.  could be you sooner than you think ?

[min200]

You dont have to be an Engineer to Understand This


A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can't be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don't get peed off and buy another product instead.

Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million)later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time.
They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flashlights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should.The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to re-start the line.
A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share. "That's some money well spent!" - he says,before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.
It turns out, the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It should've been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good. Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory, and walks up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed. A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty boxes off of the belt and into a bin.

"Oh, that," says one of the workers – "one of the guys put it there 'cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang"!

[mumofstig]

 

[Growster...]

Excellent Min! Marvellous!

[min200]

My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting dressed to go out. When finally the door swung open she stood there and asked ‘tell me honestly honey, do I look fat in this’

I replied. “Yes love but to be fair it is a small bathroom”

[Raven81]

On his first day of work a young man was called to his managers office.

"If you're going to work here young man, " said the boss, "the number two thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm - Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?"

"Oh, yes, sir." responded the young man.

"And another thing - the number one thing we are very keen on is truthfulness. There is no mat." said the boss.

[Ice]

I bought a Bonnie Tyler sat nav but had to take it back.  It kept telling me to turn around and every now and then it fell apart.

[Chrysalis]

I bought a Bonnie Tyler sat nav but had to take it back.  It kept telling me to turn around and every now and then it fell apart.

 

[Ice]

I tried to use it on a European holiday but I got lost in France.

[Yorkie]

 

[born_2b_mad]

Our next door neighbours went mad when they found me and the wife at it like rabbits in their garden.

"Get your own carrots you thieving wotsits!" they shouted.

[John]

Our next door neighbours went mad when they found me and the wife at it like rabbits in their garden.

"Get your own carrots you thieving wotsits!" they shouted.

Brilliant!! 

[min200]

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture,

chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.



After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences...

no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.



He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls

surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping,

he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.



"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want." The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby,



"That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?" "No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

[Raven81]

Not sure if this has been posted before, but made me laugh
 - Reminded me of at college when I gave a similar answer to a question I didn't know the answer to - and got a point for it because it wasn't wrong, just wasn't the answer they wanted!!

ANSWERS OF A BRILLIANT STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% I would have given him 100%

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the  page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
* it will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ??
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already  built.

[Chrysalis]

I tried this on my OH and he answered all the questions in the same way 
What does that say about him?