[yorky]

A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted, 'He's behind you!'

[Paul Plots]

Good meal?

[aelf]

In a recent survey, 6 out of 7 dwarves said they weren't happy.

[yorky]

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said "How should I know,
that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know,
some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

[Nige2Plots]

In a recent survey, 6 out of 7 dwarves said they weren't happy.

Groan

[Paul Plots]

In a recent survey, 6 out of 7 dwarves said they weren't happy.

Groan

One of them was decidedly grumpy about the whole thing! 

[elibump]

In a recent survey, 6 out of 7 dwarves said they weren't happy.

Groan

One of them was decidedly grumpy about the whole thing! 

THe Dopey wotsit

[yorky]

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship among Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there

[Paul Plots]

On their way to a registery office to get married a couple had a fatal car accident.  

The couple sat outside heaven's gate waiting for St. Peter to do the paperwork so they could enter. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven.

St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter replied, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me find out," and he leaves.

The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?"

St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."

"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the nearest cloud causing a clap of thunder.
 
"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.
 
"Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"

My apologies to all priests and lawyers reading this... nothing personal!

[Thrift]

I like that one Learner   

[GTFC197]

A little guy sat at the bar having a quiet drink, minding his own business, when a big thug knocks him off his stool,

"That's Kung Fu from Japan".

A little while later the thug knocks him off his stool again, saying,

"That's Karate from Korea".

The poor little guy picks himself up and leaves the bar.

A short while later the little guy comes back into the bar and knocks the thug off his stool, and stands next to the unconcious lump on the floor and says,


"when he wakes up, tell him,  that was a shovel from B&Q."

[GTFC197]

Paddy loses his dog and because he is so upset his wife tells him to put an advert in the local paper.

So he does, but after 3 weeks there was no word about his dog,

Paddys wife asks him what he put in the advert,

Paddy replies,


"Here Boy"

[hamstergbert]

    As Saint Valentine's day approached, Rupert wandered into the offices of the local paper and asked to put in a personal message on the 'Valentines Messages' page.  He paid over his fiver and handed over a bit of paper contining his message. 
    The clerk read it out to check.  "Softy loves his sweetie ickle snookums wookums wookums wookums"  She counted up the words and said "Five pounds is for ten words - you could put on another 'wookums' at no extra cost.   
    He thought about it for a moment and then shook his head and said"No - I think that'd sound silly..."

[Jamie Butterworth]

Someone told me I am immature and need to grow up.

Guess who's not allowed in my treehouse now.

[yorky]

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment."

He replies, "Your eyesight is perfect."