[greenun]

Sign in the kitchen of a service station 40 years ago.

People are like birds, from a distance beautiful -


Close up, those sharp beaks, those beady little eyes.

[hamstergbert]

non-PC joke from my favourite Oz-dwelling ex-bootneck:

A Northern Territory farm hand (An Aboriginal) radios back to the farm manager.

'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the Ute.
The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bull bars at the front of my Ute, and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'

The manager says,'Ok, there's a ....303 rifle behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said Boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the Bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.

'Now what's the problem?' said the Manager, sounding a little exasperated.

'Well boss, it's his motorbike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch.'

You there Boss?'
 

[DD.]

HOW IS NORMA?

A sweet grandmother
telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,

"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient
is doing?"

The operator said,
"I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number
of the patient?"

The grandmother in her
weak, tremulous voice said,

"Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied,

"Let me put you on hold while I check with
the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,

"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is
doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged
tomorrow."

The grandmother said,
"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good
news."

The operator replied,
"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said,
"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me <<expletive deleted>>."

[Bizzi Lizzi]

What do you call a cat that's just eaten a duck?

A duck-filled-fatty-pus!

[Bizzi Lizzi]

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to dye her hair so she would like a brunette.  One day she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, "Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"  The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."  The farmer was amazed - she was right!

So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.  Before she left, the farmer walked up to her and said "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

[Bizzi Lizzi]

I really must learn to read - just posted a joke and discovered it was already on ... honest, I'm not a trainee blond derrrrr.

[Paul Plots]

I really must learn to read - just posted a joke and discovered it was already on ... honest, I'm not a trainee blond derrrrr.

Never mind.... it happens to the very best of us - well, me, anyway 

[mumofstig]

The time to worry is when it was you that posted it the first time as well 

[Paul Plots]

The time to worry is when it was you that posted it the first time as well 

Fortunately (?) my memory is not so good that I would remember! 

[mrs bouquet]

A woman came home from a visit to the doctor and said to her husband 'the doctor says I have the breasts of a 20 year old' the husband said 'what did he say about your 40 year old bum'  the wife replied 'oh, he never mentioned you'      Mrs Bouquet

[horsepooisgood]

A woman came home from a visit to the doctor and said to her husband 'the doctor says I have the breasts of a 20 year old' the husband said 'what did he say about your 40 year old bum'  the wife replied 'oh, he never mentioned you'      Mrs Bouquet

MRS BOUQUET!! If I had said that I would have been in BIIIIIIG trouble.

[Aunt Sally]

Indeed you would HP 

Mrs B - shame on you 

[Snap Dragon]

Indeed you would HP 

Mrs B - shame on you 

But very funny though... made me (and hubby) laugh out loud! 

[Bizzi Lizzi]

Funny!

[Bizzi Lizzi]

Something has happened down on the allotment.

Someone has secretly tipped some topsoil.

Who could have done this?

The plot thickens ...