The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3675 on: June 29, 2018, 19:27 »
All of these puns are giving me a migraine

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3676 on: June 30, 2018, 07:45 »
I thought I saw a corncrake yesterday, but it turned out to be a wheatear!

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Goosegirl

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3677 on: July 02, 2018, 12:45 »
She said with a rye smile "I bet with all this drought it was barley alive."  :lol: 
I love cooking with wine, and sometimes I even add food!

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3678 on: July 03, 2018, 07:14 »
She said with a rye smile "I bet with all this drought it was barley alive."  :lol:

...I love it when your voice goes all husky, Goosey...

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Goosegirl

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3679 on: July 03, 2018, 12:57 »
I'll take that comment with a grain of salt! Hay, never mind, if no-one bales him out I'll have to give him a good threshing unless there are chiff-chaffs about, in which case I'll leave him to stubble about in the maize.  :wacko:

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Goosegirl

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3680 on: July 03, 2018, 14:54 »
Lady goes into restaurant and has a tipple or several.
Lady. Can I book a table for two?
Man. We're fully booked at the moment but we have an available table at about 3pm.
Lady. No, I meant a table for two people.
Man. I see. How many people will be coming?
Lady. Just the two of us.
Man. Would you like separate tables?
Lady. No, I just want a table that will accommodate two people.
Man. For what purpose?
Lady. Er, to have a meal.
Man. So you want chairs as well?
Lady. Yes please, if that's not too inconvenient.
Man. Have you seen our menu?
Lady. No. Have you lost it?
Man. Highly amusing. Would you prefer table-d'hote or al-a-carte?
Lady. Whichever table is nearest the window.
Man. Why? You're not planning to escape without paying the bill are you?
Lady. In these heels?
Man.  May I have your name please?
Lady. Most certainly not! If you don't like yours then change it by deed poll.
Man. May I buy you another drink?
Lady. That would be nice, thanks. I'd like a large gin with that tonic containing angostura bitters.
Man. You have expensive tastes.
Lady. On my salary?
Man. There we are. Would you like ice and a slice? If so, I'll just have to nip in the back room. Won't be a moment.
Lady. Would not even think about drinking it without them. See you later.

Lady then takes shoes off whilst finishing the gin and quietly makes a quick exit. Taxi? Ah - great. Can I book you for two people?

The essence of this tale is that men are always left whilst women are always right!

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Pescador

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3681 on: July 09, 2018, 16:30 »
Hieroglyph, there a glyph, everywhere a glyph glyph.
Tutankhamen had a farm...
Every Pickle Helps!

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Goosegirl

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3682 on: July 11, 2018, 14:51 »
and on that farm were naughty Rameses.
With a Tut-Tut here and a Ra-Ra there...




 

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3683 on: July 19, 2018, 19:23 »
Police attending an incident returned to their patrol car to find it on bricks with the wheels stolen, they are working tyrelessly to find the culprits

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mrs bouquet

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3684 on: July 21, 2018, 20:20 »
A man goes to the cinema, and has a seat about halfway in the stalls.
He suddenly becomes aware of somebody sitting beside him and feint groaning.
 Oh, say the man, where have you come from ?
The person next to him groans again and says "the balcony"  .    Mrs Bouquet
Dux Femina Facti

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Blackpool rocket

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3685 on: August 06, 2018, 14:42 »
A new one from me, (I think) specially for mrs bouquet.

A man is walking down the street and sees his friend coming towards him.
As he gets closer he notices that he's holding a penguin under his arm.
"What on earth have you got there?"
"It's a penguin, I found it wandering along the road, I picked it up but now I don't know what to do with it"
"Well if I were you I'd take it to the zoo!"
"That's a brilliant idea, thanks, I'll do that" .....and with a cheery wave off he goes.

A few days passes and once again, the chap's walking along the road and he sees his friend........he's still got the penguin tucked under his arm...
"I thought you were going to take that thing to the zoo!" he exclaimed......

" I did"  came the reply......

" We had a great time, were off to the cinema this afternoon!"

Br

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mrs bouquet

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3686 on: August 06, 2018, 15:19 »
Thank you, that'll do nicely  :lol:  Mrs Bouquet

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al78

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3687 on: August 06, 2018, 15:53 »
a husband and wife were watching television. The husband was repeatedly flicking between a programme on fishing and the porn channel.

The wife became increasingly agitated by this and eventually had to say something.

"For goodness sake, leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish."

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hamstergbert

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3688 on: August 06, 2018, 17:00 »
Ancient Yorkshire proverb:

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
Teach a man how to fish and you give his wife a lot more enjoyable afternoons!
The Dales - probably fingerprint marks where God's hand touched the world

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JayG

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3689 on: August 10, 2018, 14:38 »
A local family of 4 are splitting up after a row over what sort of sauce should accompany their dessert.

The divorce is forecast to be messy after reports that a custardy battle is expected.
Sow your seeds, plant your plants, and plonk your potatoes in the soil.

One of the best things about being an orang-utan is the fact that you don't lose your good looks as you get older.



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