The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!

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John

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3630 on: March 26, 2018, 12:10 »
One day at university, a fire broke out in a wastebasket in the dean’s office. A physicist, a chemist and a mathematician ran in to deal with the blaze.

The physicist immediately started to calculate how much energy would have to be removed from the fire in order to stop combustion.

The chemist worked out which reagent would have to be added to the fire to prevent oxidation.

Meanwhile, the mathematician was setting fire to all the other wastebaskets in the office.

“What on earth are you doing that for?” asked the physicist and the chemist.

“Well,” explained the mathematician, “to solve the problem, obviously you need a large sample size.”
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hamstergbert

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3631 on: March 26, 2018, 14:31 »
One day at university, a fire broke out in a wastebasket in the dean’s office. A physicist, a chemist and a mathematician ran in to deal with the blaze.

The physicist immediately started to calculate how much energy would have to be removed from the fire in order to stop combustion.

The chemist worked out which reagent would have to be added to the fire to prevent oxidation.

Meanwhile, the mathematician was setting fire to all the other wastebaskets in the office.

“What on earth are you doing that for?” asked the physicist and the chemist.

“Well,” explained the mathematician, “to solve the problem, obviously you need a large sample size.”

They were joined by a Psychiatrist who pointed out that the fire could be put out, but only if it wanted to be put out.

A nearby Student Union rep demanded that all fire extinguishers should be removed from the building in order to provide the fire with a safe space in which it could flourish unthreatened.

A passing engineer picked up the basket and carried it outside and chucked it into the fountain.
The Dales - probably fingerprint marks where God's hand touched the world

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3632 on: March 26, 2018, 18:27 »
Hamsters, that reminds me of a real problem, so it's not really a funny, but there you are, it happened and survival was important back then...

We had a power cut here once, so we boiled a kettle on a camping gas single ring, which had one of those small blue cylinders. I'd set it all up on the cooker as it was a safe place to work from.

When the lights came back on, after a few minutes, we heard this awful squealing, and still not knowing what was going on, I went into the kitchen and discovered the gas cylinder, on an electric ring, which I hadn't turned off during the power cut...

There was gas escaping everywhere, so I'm afraid I did what had to be done and thought of England, as the whole shebang could have blown the house up!

Still squealing with the escaping gas, I just had to pick the damned thing up and hope I could get it outside without hurting Mrs Growster, the whole house and eventually of course, me!

Did it though, and ran back in slamming the door, while it cooled down outside!

Still have the occasional nightmare about that particular incident...
« Last Edit: March 26, 2018, 18:27 by Growster... »

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John

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3633 on: March 26, 2018, 19:47 »
I suspect you were very lucky there, Growster.

Reminded me of an incident. I was looking after my dad's supermarket whilst he went off for a day. Suddenly I hear all this crashing and it's the stockman moving fire extinguishers. "What are you doing?" I said "Getting some water" - he answered. The extinguishers were in front of the sink.
He seemed a bit flustered, so I asked him why. "The van's on fire, Mr H"
So I belt down the stairs to the loading bay with a fire extinguisher where smoke is coming out of the van. Pull the safety and hit the plunger whilst pointing the hose at the base of the flames (I skim read the instructions!)
Well the extinguisher didn't exactly pump out much. I could have done better myself after a pint of lager.  :ohmy:
The stockman arrives having filled his bucket and throws it on which puts out the fire.
I was just about to call him an idiot for not grabbing an extinguisher when he explained he knew they wouldn't be any good as you weren't supposed to use them on petrol fires... so he filled the bucket.
I know, I know.. I didn't say a word :)

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3634 on: April 05, 2018, 05:53 »
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in a little village on the North Yorkshire Moors.....
As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost...

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3635 on: May 15, 2018, 15:44 »
For the benefit of Mrs Bouquet and the request for primary school jokes (http://chat.allotment-garden.org/index.php?topic=127938.0) ....

My scarecrow won a prize last week, he was out standing in his field

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mrs bouquet

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3636 on: May 15, 2018, 17:13 »
thanks rogerbodger. they will like that one.  In fact I am just go to I-pad it to the 8 year grandchildren, Ta, Mrs Bouquet
Dux Femina Facti

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John

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3637 on: May 15, 2018, 20:37 »
We've been for a day out with the grandson (it's his birthday) to Llandudno, N Wales. Saw a sign in a shop that might not have been intended as it came over.

Assistance for the disabled available. Welsh speakers in this store.

Quite why the disabled need particular help speaking Welsh, I'm not sure!  :D :D :D

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John

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3638 on: May 19, 2018, 09:38 »
Emergency Instructions

The time has now come to move to your inner refuge. Ensure all devices capable of connecting to the outside are disconnected. You may take a basic MP3 player or even a CD player into your refuge but not a phone or other internet connecting device such as a tablet. A book will be useful too.
You may find ear defenders and a blindfold useful when the situation peaks at around 11:30 AM BST 19 May 2018
Take enough food and water to last you for 12 hours - after this time you may be able to leave your refuge for short periods.
Please be aware that it may take a week or even longer before things return to normal.

Remember - as with all Royal Weddings - Protect and Survive!


Just to be clear, I wish the couple well even if I don't want to hear about it endlessly :)

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Plot 1 Problems

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3639 on: May 19, 2018, 10:00 »
I see they cancelled Saturday Kitchen to cover the royal wedding. Mercifully I'm not hungover this morning, as without my SK fix I'd never recover!

As John says, all the best to the newlyweds all the same.

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jaydig

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3640 on: May 19, 2018, 16:22 »
My sentiments exactly.  They seem like a nice young couple, and I wish them all the best, but I don't want to hear a blow by blow account of every second of their wedding for the next fortnight.
I will be resorting to bbc iplayer tonight so that I can CHOOSE what I watch.

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mumofstig

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3641 on: May 20, 2018, 09:37 »
The wedding day...
Ladies and gentlemen, it was a very emotional day. Even the cake was in tiers.

Lesley x
I'm not good, I'm not bad - I'm just me, and sometimes I have to apologise for that ;)

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Tenhens

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3642 on: May 21, 2018, 22:29 »
The wedding day...
Ladies and gentlemen, it was a very emotional day. Even the cake was in tiers.

Crumbs! It must have been emotional ;) ;)
we also rescue rabbits and guinea pigs,grow own veg

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3643 on: May 24, 2018, 05:06 »
This is absolutely true...

That lovely mild man-mountain, Willy-John McBride was captaining the Lions down under a few years ago.

As to be expected, there was a little ribaldry in the bar, which got worse and worse as the lemonade shandies vanished down the throats of our brave warriors!

The hotel manager desperately rushed up to McBrid'es bedroom, and found him on his bed, smoking his pipe and writing a few postcards.

"For God's sake, Willy, come and calm this lot down, they're wrecking the place", shrieked the manager. "If you can't control them, I'm calling the police and they'll chuck you all out"!

Willy thought for a few seconds, puffed his pipe a bit then enquired, "And exactly how many policemen will there be arriving may I ask"?

What a great guy!

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Goosegirl

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3644 on: May 27, 2018, 14:16 »
Presumably he was cunningly organising a lock-in not just for his drinking pals (lemonade shandies? You're having a laugh!) but also for the local JP and constabulary to partake in what could only be described as "You can have the full place to yourselves including all you can eat and drink, the heated outdoor pool and the use of the TV remote control as long as you promise to leave me in peace to write my postcards!
To fail is a step up on the ladder of wisdom.



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