The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!

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John

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3615 on: March 11, 2018, 17:56 »
my wife said to me the broom was giving her blisters on her hands.
i told her take the car silly.... :dry:
At least you waited until International Women's Day was over for that one :)
Check out our books - ideal presents

John and Val Harrison's Books
 

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3616 on: March 12, 2018, 07:31 »
Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon
her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all
these years?'

The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary
life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still
yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful
consideration, she uttered her first wish:

'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were
wealthy beyond comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother.'

The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage
returned Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for
years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I
wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome
young man.'

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his
biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so
beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.  Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered, . . .

'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my bits off.'


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Tenhens

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3617 on: March 12, 2018, 22:06 »
Last night's tribute to Sir Bruce ended with apparently his favourite joke.

A man comes homes and tells his strait-laced wife that he has heard that the milkman has slept with every woman on the street, bar one.
To which his wife replies: "I bet it's that stuck-up cow at Number 54"
we also rescue rabbits and guinea pigs,grow own veg

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davethespread

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3618 on: March 14, 2018, 11:17 »
I don't mean to brag,but i just completed my 21 day diet in 4 hours 30 minutes.

Most household injuries are caused by saying "whatever" in the middle of an argument.
i dont suffer with insanity..........i enjoy every minute of it.

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davethespread

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3619 on: March 14, 2018, 11:23 »
I once went out with this girl that owned a parrot,the crazy thing would never shut up.The Parrot was kind of cool though.

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3620 on: March 14, 2018, 11:28 »
One of Doddy's jokes went - '" I went up to an octopus and asked him if he could lend us a squid....."

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Mr Dog

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3621 on: March 14, 2018, 17:49 »
One of my Ken Dodd favourites.
On the Parkinson show:
KD: Do you know I can tell a joke in Glasgow and they'll laugh, but they won't in Birmingham?
MP: Why's that?
KD: Because they can't hear me!

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8doubles

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3622 on: March 15, 2018, 10:02 »
My favourite Dodd.

What a beautiful day to poke a cucumber through the letterbox and shout " The Martians have landed !"

 :)

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3623 on: March 15, 2018, 19:32 »
Another Dodd one .....

I wanted to take my dog to obedience class but it wouldn't go.

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8doubles

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3624 on: March 16, 2018, 08:57 »
Help stop childhood obesity !








Eat the kids Easter eggs today ! :)

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davethespread

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3625 on: March 19, 2018, 10:45 »
The guy who invented predictive text died yesterday, his funfair will be a weed next monkey. :D

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davethespread

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3626 on: March 19, 2018, 10:50 »
I was reminiscing with my brothers about the times our dad would roll us down the street in car tyres.
They were Good Years.

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davethespread

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3627 on: March 21, 2018, 17:34 »
Janet Street Porter walks into a bar and says "can i get a large Aperitif".
The Barman says "i doubt it"

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davethespread

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3628 on: March 23, 2018, 15:01 »
the UK Government should Legalise cannabis and use the Tax money to repair the roads.
call it operation pothole

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3629 on: March 25, 2018, 12:05 »
While riding my Harley the other day, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, Get in and Ill take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.

"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!

"Oh, come now, Im a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my bike I guess."



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