The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3600 on: January 29, 2018, 06:10 »
After lengthy research, scientists have discovered that towels are the leading cause of skin dryness

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3601 on: February 05, 2018, 20:42 »
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, " How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. - Do you want a bed near the window?"

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Pescador

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3602 on: February 06, 2018, 19:13 »
Should have gone to Specsavers!
20374316_10155268387202895_2705678608212825959_n[1].jpg
Every Pickle Helps!

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ARPoet

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3603 on: February 07, 2018, 06:16 »
Just letting everyone know that I've been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in, I've only gone and poisoned myself. What I thought was an onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out sometime in the spring....
Roger.

Its Grand Being Daft

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mumofstig

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3604 on: February 07, 2018, 09:22 »
 ::)  :nowink:
Lesley x
I'm not good, I'm not bad - I'm just me, and sometimes I have to apologise for that ;)

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3605 on: February 10, 2018, 07:52 »
eye halve a spelling chequer
it came with my pea sea
it plainly marques four my revue
miss steaks eye kin knot sea
eye strike a quay and type a word
and weight four it two say
weather eye am wrong oar write
it shows me strait a weigh
as soon as a mist ache is maid
it nose bee fore two lung
and eye can putt the error rite
its rare lea ever wrong
eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased to no
its letter perfect awl the weigh
my chequer tolled me sew

"borrowed" from another forum

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John

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3606 on: February 14, 2018, 19:47 »
There's an old scrap merchant who's wife was long gone from this world and he lived alone with his beloved dog. Despite his having made a lot of money before he retired, they lived simply and frugally. The only one he lavished any money on was his dog, buying him a steak on Saturday nights. Sadly the dog passed away.

Well the old chap walks down to the Catholic church and goes inside where he finds the priest. “Father,” he says, near in tears, “My dog has passed away. Would you conduct a burial service for him?”

The priest, a stickler for the rules, replied, “No, we cannot have service for an animal in the church. It's against the rules. But there is a new Methodist church down the road. Maybe they will do something for the animal”.

The old man thought for a moment and then answered, “OK, Father, I understand. Do you think the Methodists will be able to accept £100,000 for the burial service? Lord knows, I've nothing else to spend my money on.”

The priest nearly fell over and then he exclaimed, “Sweet Jesus! Why didn't you tell me the dog was a Catholic straight off?”
Check out our books - ideal presents

John and Val Harrison's Books
 

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3607 on: February 15, 2018, 06:14 »
James Bond is at the job centre after being laid off, there are only two jobs available, one in a call centre and the other in a fabric colouring plant.

"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"

"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "

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Tenhens

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3608 on: February 15, 2018, 20:08 »
Just letting everyone know that I've been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in, I've only gone and poisoned myself. What I thought was an onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out sometime in the spring....

Make sure that while your in hospital , they don't get your treatment mixed up , that is to say , they don't treat you like a mushroom.
I'm sure you will be fine and blooming by the Spring
we also rescue rabbits and guinea pigs,grow own veg

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AlaninCarlisle

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3609 on: February 20, 2018, 20:35 »
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewellers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the pub next door to that."

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John

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3610 on: February 21, 2018, 01:07 »
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit’s, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: “American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British”.

One week later, the Punch Newspaper, in Ibadan, Nigerian, reported the following:

“After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard Lucky Ade, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Lucky has therefore concluded that more 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless.”

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3611 on: February 24, 2018, 06:43 »
a woman came up to me today and said she recognised me from Vegetarian Club.
I was confused, I’d never met herbivore.

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3612 on: March 03, 2018, 07:46 »
Sadly the man who invented the fog machine used in rock concerts and other events has died ..... he will be mist.

"Just heard on the radio"

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rowbow

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3613 on: March 03, 2018, 09:23 »
A 92-year-old man is walking through a park and sees a talking frog. He picks up the frog and the frog says, “If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and be yours for a week.” The old man puts the frog in his pocket. The frog screams, “Hey if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and make love to you for a whole month.” The old man looks at the frog and says, “At my age, I’d rather have a talking frog.”  ::)

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davethespread

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3614 on: March 11, 2018, 17:51 »
my wife said to me the broom was giving her blisters on her hands.
i told her take the car silly.... :dry:
i dont suffer with insanity..........i enjoy every minute of it.



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