The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!

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John

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3660 on: June 11, 2018, 20:23 »
A bit off topic but on the green thing - a bit ago there was an article on local BBC news about Conwy council making bin collections monthly. Recycled stuff is picked up weekly. These people were moaning like it was a death sentence as they took bags of rubbish to the recycling centre. Most of the bag contents and their rubbish bin was full of things that should have been in the recycling bins.
I have to wonder how they'd have got on in WW2 when it was a serious offence to throw away newspaper, card, bread and anything else that could be recycled. Even bones were used to make things like explosives.
However, Val says that shouting at the TV screen is a) pointless and b) could get me a long holiday in a special hospital :)
Check out our books - ideal presents

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Tenhens

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3661 on: June 11, 2018, 22:09 »
"borrowed" from another forum ......


We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to **** us off...Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can't make change without the cash register telling them how much.

How very true , went into a high street store the other day and found the five items I required , asked the assistant to 'tot' them up for me , to make sure I had enough cash ( Good heavens! I hear you say , paying for goods with this commodity called cash ) Oh! she says  ' I'm no good at maffs ' .

Shall have to figure out how to send the whole post to  my eldest's  phone!!  Have read it before but still raises a chuckle!! Thanks for posting
we also rescue rabbits and guinea pigs,grow own veg

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3662 on: June 12, 2018, 07:06 »
""I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free"!

h/t Darren Walsh"

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mrs bouquet

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3663 on: June 12, 2018, 17:04 »
 :D :D :D :D Mrs Bouquet
Dux Femina Facti

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3664 on: June 12, 2018, 18:37 »
My chum, Quentin ffoxley-Cabbage was discussing the attributes of his new car to anyone who bothered to listen.

'Q' is a great chap, well liked, and with a ready smile and wink to all and sundry, as well as a stash of large denomination notes in a cavernous wallet, which he opens more than often to buy rounds of drinks for those who care to join him.

All in all, like Damon Runyon's immortal character, Feet Samuels, 'Q' is a very honourable guy.

The latest story went like this...

'Q' was driving to a new site, which is way out in the sticks, and is reached via a series of country lanes. He was driving his new Ferrari, and had not a care in the world, until there was a sort of splutter from the bonnet of the car, and it sighed, stopped and coasted to a halt in a layby.

'Q' said 'blast' under his breath, then on top of it as well for good measure. He also said several other words, but as Toniatelline Nougat was on the bar pumps, and doesn't like rude words, (unless they're being whispered in her shell-like), he didn't tell us what they were.

He got out of his car and gingerly lifted the bonnet. All he could see was a myriad of pipes, wires, gleaming steel bits, something red, and not much else. As he was staring blankly at the engine, wondering what to do next, he thought he heard a voice say 'red electric capping loose'!

Looking both ways he saw nobody, and heard nothing. The voice repeated the words 'red electric capping loose'. Again, 'Q' looked all round and saw nothing moving, except for a couple of old horses munching their way across the field nearby. One was watching him closely.

So 'Q', in desperation, nudged the red item in the engine, and sure enough, it moved slightly! He quickly realised that it needed a twist of some sorts, and sure enough, it tightened up immediately, which is something Ferrari are always proud of, especially where certain parts of the body are concerned, but we won't go there for the time being...

'Q' took one last glance around, and seeing nothing except the old nags in the field, he got in, started his car, and drove off.

In the next village, he realised he needed a short tincture to alleviate the pangs of pain at the thought of having a broken car which had been mended by unusual circumstances, and which was now running as it should, so he stopped off at 'The Haywain', to take on supplies.

The bar was occupied by a few local worthies as is usual, and the chat was all about nothing in particular, so 'Q', in his usual generous way, offered them a drink while he started to tell them why he was there. Of course, they all listened, especially when they started on the various pints 'Q' had bought them, and it seemed a good time to listen to a story from someone with a big red car and a big wallet as well.

'Q' explained how his car had ground to a halt, and with a guilty smile on his face, kept them aghast about the 'voice' which told him to check the red capping piece.

The bar went quiet, as the assembled worthies digested this information, and one old boy in the corner piped up and said, "Were there two horses in the field where you stopped"?

'Q', of course, admitted that there were indeed two old chaps wandering round eating grass and one had been looking at him.

The old boy then said, "Was there a grey horse and a brown one in the field"?

'Q' agreed there were two horses, and one was brown; the other grey.

The old boy then said, "Which one was looking at you then"?

'Q' thought for a moment, and recalled that it was indeed the grey one which was peering at him, so he told the old boy.

The old chap then let out a huge snort and a bellow of laughter, and said, "I thought as much; it's just as well the brown one didn't see you, because he knows ****** all about cars..

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3665 on: June 26, 2018, 18:38 »
When I was young a famous orchestra played in the local town halls, sadly my parents wouldn't let me go - "too much sax and violins" for someone my age

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JayG

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3666 on: June 27, 2018, 12:37 »
After several reports of wheat crops apparently being sprayed with herbicides, police say they are looking for a cereal killer.
Sow your seeds, plant your plants. What's the difference? A couple of weeks or more when answering possible queries!

One of the best things about being an orang-utan is the fact that you don't lose your good looks as you get older

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Goosegirl

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3667 on: June 28, 2018, 14:23 »
Presumably by now he'll be serving porridge!  :lol:
To fail is a step up on the ladder of wisdom.

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3668 on: June 28, 2018, 18:24 »
...well he won't be getting his oats for a few years...

;0)

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JayG

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3669 on: June 28, 2018, 20:56 »
Barley able to keep up with all this!

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mumofstig

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3670 on: June 28, 2018, 22:00 »
Barley able to keep up with all this!

Says he with a Rye smile, cos it was a bit corny, wasn't it  :tongue2:
Lesley x
I'm not good, I'm not bad - I'm just me, and sometimes I have to apologise for that ;)

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3671 on: June 29, 2018, 07:18 »
So corny, I'm amaized Mum...

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Pescador

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3672 on: June 29, 2018, 07:31 »
These recent comments go against the grain!
Every Pickle Helps!

Paul's Preserves and Pickles.

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mumofstig

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3673 on: June 29, 2018, 08:41 »
At least they've been Spelt correctly  :D

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3674 on: June 29, 2018, 08:55 »
It's all part of the daily grind, folks...



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