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Author Topic: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!  (Read 408542 times)

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peapod

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #15 on: March 11, 2010, 07:59 »
better than 1-0 - good old Nugent! I knew he was fired up after the Arsenal game.

I had too much work to do so didnt go on, gave my son my season ticket - and ended up sitting watching it on the net  ::)

We really have a hard slog to stay up, but Im now saying never say never until the very end  :D
"I think the carrot infinitely more fascinating than the geranium. The carrot has mystery. Flowers are essentially tarts. Prostitutes for the bees. There is, you'll agree, a certain je ne sais quoi oh so very special about a firm young carrot" Withnail and I


davethespread

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #16 on: March 11, 2010, 08:33 »
Thats your tea burned today  :lol:



no change there then  ::):D :D
i dont suffer with insanity..........i enjoy every minute of it.

davethespread

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #17 on: March 11, 2010, 08:53 »
if one synchronized swimmer drowns.....do the others have to drown too?

min200

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #18 on: March 11, 2010, 09:57 »
"Out of the mouths of babes."



1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.

'Because I p*ssed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.

You did WHAT ? ! ?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move.'







2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later....'Da-ad....'

'What?'

'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'

'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'

Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'

'WHAT?'

'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'

I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!'

Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'

'WHAT!'

'When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?'





3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,

finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'

The boy thought it over and said,

'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door

until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''





4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm

a mother was tucking her son into bed.

She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his

voice, 'Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?'

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room'

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:

'The big sissy'





5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the

children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,

as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,

'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?'

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,

'Yes, and my Mom says it's a b*tch to iron.'





6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old

came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, 'Mommy, you are getting fat!'

I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.'

'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your butt?'




8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken

Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken

Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little

went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'

The teacher paused then asked the class,

'And what do you think that farmer said?'

One little girl raised her hand and said,

'I think he said: 'Holy dodo! A talking chicken!''

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.





9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,

'I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,

'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'

She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'





10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'

Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,

'If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

Trillium

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #19 on: March 11, 2010, 15:14 »
Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman.”

“Oh yeah,” said Eddie. “And how did this one end?”

“When it was over,” Harvey replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.”

“Really? Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”

“She said, “Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!!!”

JayG

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #20 on: March 11, 2010, 15:25 »
A skeleton walks up to a bar and says "Two pints of lager, and a bucket please."
Sow your seeds, plant your plants, and plonk your potatoes in the soil.

One of the best things about being an orang-utan is the fact that you don't lose your good looks as you get older.

hamstergbert

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #21 on: March 11, 2010, 15:38 »
A white horse walks into a bar.
The barman looks the white horse up and down.  "Did you know there is a drink named after you!" he says to the white horse.
"Really?  Named after me?" replies the white horse.  "Fancy that!  Well then, I'd better have a pint of Dobbin."
The Dales - probably fingerprint marks where God's hand touched the world

arugula

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #22 on: March 11, 2010, 15:48 »
A duck walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "No" so the duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day, goes up to the bartender, and says "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "No" so the duck leaves. The next day the duck comes back again. He goes up to the bartender and says "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "Look duck. We don't have any grapes today, we didn't have any yesterday, and we definitely won't have any tomorrow. If you come back in here and ask for grapes again, I'm going to nail your webbed feet to the floor." So the duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day, goes up to the bartender and asks "Got any nails?" The bartender says "No." Then the duck says "Oh good. Got any grapes?"
"They say a snow year's a good year" -- Rutherford.

plot6b

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #23 on: March 11, 2010, 19:13 »
A white horse walks into a bar.
The barman looks the white horse up and down.  "Did you know there is a drink named after you!" he says to the white horse.
"Really?  Named after me?" replies the white horse.  "Fancy that!  Well then, I'd better have a pint of Dobbin."

A horse walks into a Bar. The barman looks at the horse and says "Why the long face?"

horsepooisgood

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #24 on: March 12, 2010, 07:54 »
The Funeral Procession


A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.

''What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'

plot6b

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #25 on: March 12, 2010, 14:13 »
Two sweets want to enter a nightclub.The bouncer stops them,looks at the Tune and the Halls sweets collectively and says"You two carn't come in here your both menthol"

8doubles

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #26 on: March 12, 2010, 14:40 »
LOL at The Funeral Procession  :) :D

davethespread

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #27 on: March 12, 2010, 14:57 »
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was pretty stormy,they were standing at the back of the ship watching the storm,when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.
they searched for days and conld'nt find him,so the captain sent the old women ashore with the promise he would notify her as soon as they found something.
three weeks went by when out of the blue she got a fax from the captain.
it read, 'ma'am,sorry to inform you,we found your husband at the bottom of the ocean.we hauled him up on deck and attache to his butt was an oyster with a pearl worth £50,000 please advise'.the old women faxed back,'send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.

plot6b

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #28 on: March 12, 2010, 14:59 »
Dave I cannot fathom that one out! :D

davethespread

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #29 on: March 12, 2010, 15:05 »
Dave I cannot fathom that one out! :D
barnacles :D



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